Don’t Judge…

“Don’t Judge.” “Don’t Join.” “Don’t take it personally.” That’s been my personal mantra for over a decade. I adopted it from Laurie Hostetler, proprietor of the now closed Kerr House in Grand Rapids, Ohio. January 2015 was my last visit about a month before its closure. A twenty year tradition gone.

Laurie happened upon a dilapidated Queen Victorian house, and convinced the owner, grandson of the well to do businessman B.F. (Benjamin Franklin) Kerr who built the house, to sell. Many others had asked but it was Laurie who got the nod. For the next two years she breathed new life into its walls, converting it into an intimate spa. The house had a special energy about it, peaceful, healing. Its energy beckoned me from a magazine ad when I most needed it, during a difficult first year of marriage. There I found acceptance, tools to deal with the stress of life, and others in search of the same and thus a way to bond. The first group of women, all unknown to each other before our visit, spent the next 5 years returning. Over the years one by one those women dropped out but I continued to come with other friends in tow.

Every time over those 20 years, I learned something new, or was reminded of something I had forgotten. The Laurie-isms that has helped me most are her words that I’ve turned into my mantra.

“Don’t Judge.” We know not what others are experiencing. A man sits on the subway, his two kids running rampant through the car, yelling, bumping into people, stepping on feet, not looking up. Where’s the parent? Why doesn’t he do something? What’s wrong with him? You can’t take it anymore…you walk over to him. “Could you please control your children?” He distractedly takes note of you standing in front of him. His gaze darts between you and his children, now taking in the spectacle, and then back to you. “Oh, I’m sorry. Their mom just died and I guess…I’m sorry…” Suffice it to say, we never know what is going on in someone else’s life.

“Don’t Join.” If someone is experiencing angst, anxiety, depression, sadness in her life, do not join in that angst, anxiety, whatever the negativity may be. Be there. Be supportive. But do not join in. Allow that person the privilege of experiencing what she needs to experience to move forward in her life. It is her lesson to learn, not yours. An example is when your spouse is looking for her keys. She’s rushing around, a whirlwind of activity, anxiety, “Have you seen my keys? Where are my keys? Pretty soon your anxiety level increases…caught up in her anxiety…Accept that this is not your issue, your problem. You can be supportive, but don’t get caught up in her anxiety. Don’t allow your equilibrium, your peacefulness to be disrupted.

“Don’t take it personally”. For many, this may be the hardest of all. Since we all have egos, we all—to some extent—believe that when something is said or done it is done to us or because of us. In reality, it may have nothing to do with us. Our first inclination is to attribute ill intent to whatever behavior is occurring. We reach conclusions many times without having all of the information. A colleague doesn’t say hello in the morning. In reality, our colleague’s mind is not with his body, His mind is still with his son who is being bullied at school.

These seem like very easy Laurie-isms to live by—but they’re not. They serve as a daily reminder of how I attempt to live my life but even after years of practice, I do not always succeed.

Patricia Nemeth received her Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Michigan (Ann Arbor). She earned her Juris Doctorate and Masters of Labor Law degree from Wayne State University School of Law. She is the founding partner of Nemeth Law, P.C. which is celebrating its 25th Anniversary in 2017. Patricia decided to start a personal blog because she wanted to write about topics other than the law.