Toilet Training Re-dux: Japanese Style

Seems like a good time to talk about the bipolar toilets in Japan where I recently spent two weeks. Why now? It seems like there are a lot of people around the world and here in the states talking about America going down the toilet. It also seems like there’s been a lot of post-election mania or depression going on depending on whom you supported. That got me to thinking about the toilets in Japan. Yeah. I know. That’s how my mind works. Escape.

The toilets in Japan were either manic or depressed, or that’s how I characterize them in my mind at least. Can you tell I have a psych background? The depressed toilet is basically a hole in the ground. Squat down, let it go. There you are. All done. Get back up.

But the manic option… and let me just say there really aren’t a lot of gradations in between—but the manic option is truly a thing of beauty to behold. At one hotel, when you opened the door to your stall, the toilet lid automatically opened and a blue light in the bowl appeared. These manic toilets have built in bidets with narrow or broad water settings, and the ability to move the water forward toward the front of the toilet seat or farther back. Think of it as a moving car wash for the under carriage. There is even a built in blow dryer for after—no need to get up. The seat is heated. Some are pre-heated. There are settings for music to disguise bodily functions. Apparently it’s not polite for women to have or share the noise of their bodily functions. Some toilets have running water—again for disguising purposes or to prompt the nervous user. It’s the only place you need glasses to go to the bathroom to read the nearby operating instructions. But…very rarely are the instructions in English. Mostly there are pictures that you figure out by trial and error. Suffice it to say the first time a manic toilet and I met, it was 20 minutes before we parted ways.

Many refer to the two types of toilets as either eastern (my depressed) or western (my mania). Outside the stall doors of the eastern toilets of some of the restaurants and ryokans (traditional Japanese inns) sit these cute little slip on plastic toilet shoes. At least I thought they were cute until I realized why they were necessary. Yep. That’s right. Turns out when you’re squatting over a hole in the ground and trying to steady yourself by holding onto a steel bar somewhere (and hopefully there is one somewhere) you’re not very accurate if you know what I mean. So yeah. The toilet shoes. And when you forget to take your toilet shoes off and wear them in other areas of the ryokan, well, people have no problem letting you know it. But the shoes thing is so confusing. Because you leave your street shoes at the door. Put on slip on shoes that you can wear sometimes maybe three feet into your hotel room before you have to take them off because you can’t wear them into the room that you sleep in. NO shoes at all in there. But when you go in the bathroom you put on the toilet shoes. So no wonder I forgot… but I digress.

What’s really difficult is an eastern toilet on a train. Trains and many public places don’t have toilet shoes. Trying to hunker down with the train swaying to and fro and hang on with recent wrist surgery—let’s just say I wanted my manic toilet! I thought about building a toilet paper nest around my ankles but decided against that… You do get creative in terms of timing. I will say that. The interesting thing about train toilets is how you determine whether the men’s room (stand up only) is occupied. You look in the window. The toilet is the size of an old telephone booth with a two foot oval window for peeking purposes. The man’s back is toward the window as he uses the bathroom…

You might wonder why with western toilets available the Japanese would still even have eastern toilets. Turns out many women do not like placing their skin down on a surface where another woman’s skin has been. They prefer the cleanliness of the squat method. This has led to postings in western toilet stalls instructing women not to stand or squat on the toilet.

That toilets have been and are a part of Japan’s culture and the world knows it was recently re-confirmed in a Benedict Cumberbatch “ad” run by Saturday Night Live on November 6th. The ad features the Koohl toilet—“For people who want to use the toilet and look cool doing it.” It shows Benedict sitting on the toilet backwards with his arms draped over the tank of the toilet. The ending words are “The Koohl toilet coming spring 2017. Already available in Japan.” So maybe that’s what the manic toilets are all about. It’s just so that people can use the toilet and feel cool doing it. Manics and depressives alike…

Patricia Nemeth received her Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Michigan (Ann Arbor). She earned her Juris Doctorate and Masters of Labor Law degree from Wayne State University School of Law. She is the founding partner of Nemeth Law, P.C. which is celebrating its 25th Anniversary in 2017. Patricia decided to start a personal blog because she wanted to write about topics other than the law.