Pick Up the Phone

Not to text, not to check email, not to take a picture, not to stream, not to browse. Pick up the phone and actually talk to and connect with another person.

Clients lament that they can’t understand why attorneys can’t settle cases the way they used to - - by talking with each other - - - instead of bringing in a third party mediator. As a mediator, I can’t say enough good things about the mediation process. . But these statements got me to wondering – why can’t attorneys settle cases the way they used to?

Because attorneys don’t talk with each other anymore. Emails communicate with each other instead. No relationship is- nor can it be - established this way. Even attorneys whose You Tube videos tout that clients don’t want to litigate and want a reasonable settlement don’t answer their phones. A phone call is not responded to with a phone call. Instead, the disappointing yet not surprising email arrives. Negotiations without verbalization. Here’s the number. And if attorneys are communicating with each other this way, how are they communicating with their own clients? Are they taking the time to establish a relationship? Are they taking the time to build the trust needed so that when they recommend a settlement their clients will trust the recommendation? Or will a third party mediator be needed instead? It’s no wonder attorneys can’t settle cases the way they used to.

Even when acting as an arbitrator, I ask participants whether they’ve attempted to settle. I share with them a “novel” approach - - actually talking to each other. Inevitably, at the end of the conference call, a discussion occurs where one attorney says s/he will email a number over. It’s as though no one is listening. I understand attorneys want information in writing, particularly where settlement terms are concerned. But why can’t you have a discussion and then follow up with a confirming email? Of course to have an actual verbal discussion about settlement requires there be some type of relationship (preferably respectful) prior to the start of the settlement discussions. More often than not, however, there have only been emails - - - and snarky emails at that. It’s easier to send a disrespectful email than to pick up the phone. Picking up the phone requires more time. It requires an investment in working through the differences. It requires having established the necessary groundwork - - - the trust needed - - for when it’s time to talk settlement.

In general these days, people simply don’t know how to work through conflict by actually talking. It has become a lost art. One of the best persons I know who confronts and talks about conflicts is my daughter. She is much better at it than I and she certainly didn’t learn it from me. Instead of texting about it (which appears to be the norm for many millennials), she wants to talk about it. Conflict resolution is something she learned at an early age attending Friends School in Detroit (now closed).

One day, while picking her up early from preschool, I noticed two four-year-olds sitting in their little brown wooden chairs facing each other.

--What’s up? I asked.

--They’ve had a disagreement, the teacher replied. They need to work it out with each other. After that, they can get up and play.

I watched. The teacher was not intervening but was in the area for assistance if needed.

And each child began to explain…. And talk… And resolve their disagreement.

Maybe we just need some little wooden chairs…..at least it would be a start.